Ordinary Gweilo

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Confused? Me too…

As you may have noticed, the letters page of the SCMP is a source of almost endless amusement to me.  Today we have a typically puzzling letter:

Confused by Patten

I never met Chris Patten, so he has no reason to try to confuse me, as he attempts to do in David Evans’ interview in Post Magazine (24 Hours, July 23).

Patten confides that he normally wakes up around 7am.

But then he comes up with a statement that makes me wonder what happened to that logical world I thought I was in a moment before: "So quite often," he says, "like this morning, even though I didn’t get up until seven, I woke up around six." Really? Well, if you have any idea what he means by that, I’m all ears.

A friend told me, "Well, he woke up at 6, and stayed in bed until 7." I have no idea how my friend knows that.

Then, he said he "glances" at the Financial Times and the International Herald-Tribune. My friend tells me Patten meant he reads both quickly.

Patten also says he doesn’t get too much time to relax, but later says he reads a lot and is taking "the whole of August off to stay at our house in France".

Oh, well. What do I know? The answer may lie in all those egg tarts.

ART SELIKOFF, Zhuhai

I have read this letter several times, and I still have no idea what he’s on about.  It’s an attempt at humour, right?

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One response to “Confused? Me too…”

  1. gunlaw avatar
    gunlaw

    Oh do come along now. It is obvious that Art Selikoof is a Russian spy and is sending a message to his boss in Moscow by a cunning device: a public coded-letter. He has used the same principle of PGP message coding: a public key and private key.
    As the only person in the world who specifically declined to read or see the “Da Vinci Code” (regurgitated utter bunk that I read twenty years ago)my planet-sized mind is uncontaminated and razor-sharp to de-code this “letter”.
    I am not going to reveal the sheer brilliance of my methodology to all you peasants. Instead I can reveal that the letter lays out plans for the invasion of the Kerguelen Islands by Starbucks, the coloured fluid people funded by Russian mafia money purloined from Hezbollah finance managers arbitraging the interest rates in Tehran (NIL) and Beiruit (957%). The love interest, so to speak, is pretty disgusting and direct – the bed etc. so I won’t go into further details.
    Thanks in advance for all your words of congratulation and approbation and all the other ations.

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