Ordinary Gweilo

It's not big and it's not clever, it's just a Brit in Hong Kong writing (mainly) about Hong Kong

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  • The Apprentice UK – Flowers

    “As far as I am concerned, what I have in front of me here, are 14 of Britain’s best prospects.  Quite a few thousand people applied for this job.  A job with me” says Sir Alan.  Sebastian smiles ruefully, and wonders whether he (or any of them) really want to work for the man they are sitting opposite.  “A job that is going to bring you a six-figure salary.  But to get that job you’re going to have to demonstrate to me your skills in leadership, business acumen, shrewdness.  The lot.”

    Sir Alan lays it on the line: “Never ever underestimate me.  I know everything.  I don’t like liars, I don’t like cheats.  I don’t like bullshitters, I don’t like schmoozers, I don’t like arse lickers.”  Oh, hang on, this is being censored by some nice people in Singapore, so it becomes “I don’t like ————-, I don’t like schmoozers, I don’t like —- lickers.”  In fact, the man with bleeper is kept quite busy.  I’m not sure why they bother with a warning about swearing, since all of it has been bleeped out.

    As usual, it’s boys against girls.  The girls argue for rather longer than really seems strictly necessary to arrive at a team name that we will never remember.  There is talk of oceans and water and waves crashing.  Team leader Saira feels that they need a name that captures the fact that they are a group of strong individuals.  Who all have different ideas about which name to choose.  The boys quickly agree on ‘Impact’, which seems suitably meaningless.  But rather better than ‘First Forte’, which is what the girls eventually agree upon.  What’s that supposed to mean?

    So who are these outstanding people who are desperate to work for the man who brought us the e-mailer (a  phone that also sends and receives emails)?  Look, there’s one on the boardroom table.  Oh, look, there’s one in the lovely riverside house where the teams will live.  No product placement here, then.

    There’s always at least one oddball, and this time around it seems to be Matthew, who admits to being the co-founder of the Tall Society.  He’s tall, don’t you know, and we see him crashing into door frames just to demonstrate the point.  We also see him on his own nursing a drink whilst everyone else is chatting away.  He claims to have lots of entrepreneurial ideas.  He stresses the importance of thinking outside the box, and draws a box in the air with his fingers in case we don’t know what a box looks like.  Later he admits that he can be abrasive and “doesn’t treat fools gladly”, and that he probably does argue too much.  Well, yes, Matthew I think you do.  He has also has a nice line in hats, which is always a worrying sign.

    (more…)

  • The Apprentice comes to BBC Knowledge

    BBC Knowledge is finally bringing the UK version of The Apprentice to Hong Kong (Mondays at 9.20 pm starting tonight).  I have mentioned this version of the show once or twice before (notably here), and I have to say that I prefer it to the Trump original (much more on The Apprentice here).  The US version got carried away with its initial success, and the 3 hour live special at the end of series two (or three?) was a sign that all was not well.  It got cancelled (no, no, of course what I meant to say was that Trump quit) and then they changed their minds and did a 7th series, with, er, celebrities.  I believe that is coming to TVB Pearl soon.  I can hardly wait.

    The UK version is more solid and (so far at least) free from gimmicks.  It benefits from a total lack of Donald Trump, his bad-taste apartment, his business chums and his idiot children. 

    Alan Sugar is also annoying, but in a different way.  He started out as a market trader, and made his fortune in consumer electronics, mainly by finding ways to make “hi-fi” equipment as cheaply as possible.     

    Amstrad (Alan Michael Sugar Trading) was also one of the early manufacturers of home computers, but whilst the likes of Sinclair and Acorn were being innovative, they created ingenious products such as the PCW8256, which was basically a dedicated word processor (with a printer attached), using obscure 3″ floppy disks that Sugar apparently got on the cheap.     

    I can understand someone wanting to work for Donald Trump, but why anyone would want a job working for Alan Sugar is a bit harder to comprehend.  The “six figure salary” is actually a job for one year on a salary of £100,000.  Not bad, but not exactly life-changing – though giving up a high-paid job to be on the show might just be. 

    Anyway, the first task for the two teams is to buy £500 worth of flowers at a wholesale market, and then sell them in a street market (or door-to-door).  The problem at the beginning is that there are so many contestants – and generally the ones who stand out do so for all the wrong reasons, what with being idiots and all that.  We shall see. 

  • The Palazzo – more imagination

    Palazzo ad 080517The artist employed by Sino Land is obviously hard at work trying to come up with new and imaginative ways to depict The Palazzo.

    Yesterday’s SCMP had this effort (see right), which is actually not too bad.  Yes, The Palazzo has grown in size, and yes it has been twisted round by about 90 degrees, but you can still see the industrial estate in the background, and the racecourse has its stands.

    The rugby stadia have gone, and in their place we have a number of equestrian venues (which will all have gone by the time anyone moves in).  Mind you, the Jockey Club staff quarters have disappeared, presumably trampled underfoot by The Palazzo when it turned around to face the racecourse.

    Some might quibble about the portrayal of the Shing Mun river and also the throngs of happy people strolling along the river bank (and where are they going, anyway?) but this certainly isn’t as far-fetched as their main picture.

    Then came today’s picture, and we are firmly back in the world of fantasy – where everything is green and verdant.

    Of course the Hong Kong Sports Institute has also disappeared, along with those rugby stadia, again to be replaced with more green stuff.  No more Jockey Club staff quarters either.

    The clubhouse has also moved so that it is adjacent to the finishing straight of the racecourse.  Of course it isn’t there at all, and if it was then it would have its view of the horses blocked by the spectator stands. 

    Oh, yes, the stands – where have they gone?  Where is the giant screen?  The dirt track has also turned an attractive beige colour.   

    What about the public tranport interchange?  Oh, right, if we have demolished the spectator stands we don’t need that, do we?

    Then there’s all the developments on the opposite bank of the Shing Mun river.  They have been shrunk down to a ribbon of low-rise buildings along the water’s edge.  How delightful that place must be.  Oh, it’s City One Sha Tin, you say?  Really?  I never knew… 

  • Delicious

    I was amused by this website, which is supposed to let you Make up Your Mind about McDonalds (UK).

    They have a “question and answer” section.  Which sounds like a great idea, until you notice that they appear to employ a team of robots to answer the questions.  For example, almost all the questions about Chicken McNuggets have the following (or a slight variation) as the answer:

    Chicken McNuggets are made from deboned chicken breast meat, which is then minced. A flavoured marinade is then added and mixed in. The minced chicken meat is shaped into McNuggets and coated with the specially seasoned batter, flash fried and frozen.

    …which gets kinda tedious after a while.  Unlike the questions, which include such gems as  “why do you get all the horrid bits if chicken and put them and chicken nuggets?”; “is it true there is paint in your chicken nuggets?”, and “are there eyeballs of chikens in the chiken nuggets”  You will notice that spelling is not a strong point of the average McDonalds customer.

    My question is this – why does the food they serve in McDonalds never look anything like the photographs?

  • Did anyone think this through?

    The Cable TV news service on KCR MTR trains is all about the earthquake in Sichuan.  Would it therefore not be possible (just for a day or two) to drop the idiotic advertising that takes up about 50% of the screen whilst the news is being broadcast? 

    Distressing pictures of earthquake victims do not sit well with advertising for products we really don’t need. 

    Then, of course, in the “breaks”, they show one of the lavish ads for The Palazzo…   

  • The Palazzo and the rugby stadium

    Rugby stadium Today’s SCMP comes with a giant poster of The Palazzo, complete with the ridiculous claim that it benefits from the superb facilities of the Olympic Equestrian Arena.  That’s the temporary arena that the developers portray as a small rugby league stadium (see right), and which will be demolished before anyone moves into The Palazzo.

    Meanwhile, someone has kindly provided a link for the overblown TV ad for The Palazzo (on You Tube of course).

    Personally, I find it amusing rather than annoying.  At least the ad (like the website) looks good, and is well-done, unlike so many of the adverts we have to suffer on Hong Kong TV. 

    According to yesterday’s SCMP, they have managed to sell the first batch of apartments, so presumably they’ll be happy with their efforts in attempting to deceive the public.

    PhotographMeanwhile, one of the largest property agents in this city is wilfully undermining some of the good work done by the developers, by circulating photographs of the actual development, which shows that Ma On Shan may be a  little closer than it appears in the artist’s impression, that the opposite bank of the Shing Mun river is more developed, and that the sewage treatment works are not a large area of green open space. 

    The same leaflet also shows that KCRC House is not being knocked down, but somehow manages to create the impression that Route 9 is a small country lane, and that the housing development next door is some sort of park.

    Palazzo planIt also highlights the fact that this is a very strange site.  On one side we have Route 9, on another side we have the MTR East Rail, and it is built around both Jubilee Garden estate (at one end) and KCRC House (at the other end).  The clubhouse is therefore being built on top of the railway line on a narrow strip of land above the railway and between the highway and the Jubilee Garden estate. 

    Another feature advertised is the “Sha Tin to Central link”.  This is weird, because you would think that a development that is part-owned by the MTR would get this right, but the current plan is that the so-called “Sha Tin to Central link” will become an extension of the Ma On Shan line from Tai Wai to Hung Hom, and that East Rail will be extended from Hung Hom to Central.  Although this is many years away, it ought to be a selling point for The Palazzo – if they could get it right.  But, hey, why bother with something that is true when you have so much that isn’t?    

  • JK Rowling (without beard)

    Helpful caption from the BBC website, for anyone wondering if JK Rowling might have suddenly grown a beard:

     JK Rowling

  • Palazzo fantasia – Everything’s gone green

    Hong Kong property developers don’t just tell little white lies, oh no.

    The Palazzo is a new development in the New Territories.  As is apparently compulsory these days it has a funny foreign name (French and Italian being favourites) and an auspicious Chinese name (御龍山 – which is something to do with an imperial dragon that lives in the mountain).  It’s built on top of the KCR East Rail line opposite Fo Tan station.  On one side it has views of the Fo Tan Industrial Area (and the mountain behind), and the other side there is the Hong Kong Sports Institute and City One Sha Tin (and yes, OK, some mountains behind). 

    Palazzo

    On the right you should see the image the developers want to portray of this rural idyll, with a few landmarks highlighted: the racecourse, Kau To Shan, Tolo Harbour, and the place where horses will jump over some fences in August (which will surely have been demolished long before anyone moves in), and the Shing Mun river.  Very green, isn’t it? 

    Of course, when I say image, what I mean is an artist’s impression…of how the developer wished it looked, rather than the reality.

    Where to start?  Well, I think we can discount the blue sparkling water in the Shing Mun river and the nullah because no-one would believe that, though I suppose we should be grateful that we have been spared the yachts and junks that so often appear in the water in these type of pictures.

    Anyway, my eye was drawn first to the rather large clump of bushes that appear in the foreground.  As luck would have it, they obscure the Fo Tan Industrial Area and the railway line.  If only the artist had moved a few metres to his left or right he could have made his portrayal far more accurate, but unfortunately the imaginary bushes were in the way.  

    Then I noticed that the sewage works in the background have also failed to catch the artist’s attention and been replaced with more lovely green stuff (that must be because it’s easier to draw)

    Palazzo (how it is)In the foreground, KCR House (as it probably isn’t called anymore) has also been overlooked by the artist.  The main building has simply disappeared (it should be immediately to the south of The Palazzo) and the smaller building next to it has turned into another piece of open space with bushes and trees.

    That’s three landmarks gone missing.   In case you’re getting confused, I’ve annotated the fantasy picture with a guide to what has been obscured by excessive imaginary green stuff (see right).

    Palazzo and KCR HouseThe picture on the left shows the The Palazzo being built, and you can clearly see that it fits around KCR House, which is the black building at the back right and the low white building next to it (if you’re confused by the orientation, this is looking south whereas the main one is looking north).  Yet you won’t find it in the official artist’s impression.  The photograph also shows what looks like City One Shatin, which unluckily enough doesn’t quite fit into the artist’s impression, being just off to the bottom right.

    Oh, and it seems that Ma On Shan had disappeared off into the far distance.  Not nearly green enough, I fear.

    Palazzo - roomStill, there’s always the view of the racecourse.  That’s gotta be good, right?  From another artist’s impression (see right) which I found on their splendid website, it appears that you can see the whole racecourse from your living room (love the decor, by the way).  Excellent.

    Perspective can be a tricky thing, but if the racecourse is just visible beyond the tops of the apartment blocks (in the main picture), I think that means that it must be at least 700-800 metres from the nearest apartments.  And, if we are going to be picky, there are also the Jockey Club staff quarters blocking the views from the lower floors (which is what this view seems to show).  

    Stadium The other thing that amused me (though I doubt that will influence anyone one way or the other) is that the temporary venue for the Olympics horsey bits is shown as if it were a small football stadium.  It’s not, though, is it?  Imagination is a wonderful thing, and it would be very boring just to show the dull reality of a temporary stadium.  But it isn’t a League Two football ground, guys.

    The website is full of all sorts of other nonsense.  It’s worth a look, and although it is wildly pretentious it does also seem fairly well-designed.

  • The mobile phone that isn’t

    Sometimes you have to admire the ingenuity of Hong Kong companies in overcoming problems – and wonder why the government couldn’t make life simpler.

    Problem #1.  Smartone would like to steal some of PCCW’s fixed-line customers, but they don’t have a fixed line network. 

    Solution – launch a mobile service masquerading as a fixed-line service (HomePhone+).  As far as I can tell, it’s a standard mobile phone (using the GSM network), but adapted so that if you take it outside your home it doesn’t work.  Brilliant. 

    You might ask why they would want to do this.  Good question.  Smartone want PCCW subscribers to be able to transfer their fixed-line numbers to Smartone.  To do this they need to convince the Telecommunications Authority that this is a fixed-line service, and apparently they have managed to pull the wool over their eyes do so.  

    Smartone have been advertising this new service quite extensively and are offering to pay the cancellation fees for PCCW subscribers who are on fixed-term contracts (up to a maximum of 6 months) and give them a free phone.  Yes, that’s the “special” phone that only works on HomePhone+. 

    PCCW are fighting back with adverts that point out the limitations of the new service.  They say that the 2G network is not as reliable as their fixed-line service, and that during a typhoon (or any other time the mobile phone network is overloaded), it might not work.  We’ve been here before, of course, with IP-based phones – then the argument put forward by PCCW was that the phone wouldn’t work if the mains power supply went down (and that if you called 999 they wouldn’t know where you were, unless, you, er, told them).   I don’t think it would put many people off.

    What puzzles me is that HomePhone+ is only slightly cheaper than PCCW’s conventional fixed-line service, and not obviously superior.  Well, yes, it allows you to use an IP phone service without having a broadband connection, but surely the people who might think of using an IP phone service are precisely the people who already have a broadband connection.  Smartone also make great play of the value-added services (caller display, call waiting), but you can have these from PCCW if you pay a little extra.

    In fact, of all the alternatives to PCCW’s fixed-line service, this one looks the least attractive.  If you want to save money, Cable TV can offer a broadband connection and an IP phone service together for less than PCCW’s broadband service alone – though it does mean contending with their legendary customer service.

    Not that I’m complaining.  Anything that forces PCCW to reduce their prices sounds good to me.   Mind you, the government could increase competition and simplify things greatly by allowing fixed-line numbers to be transferred to a mobile service (and vice versa).  I think that would see HomePhone+ radidly withdrawn.  

    Problem #2.  Pay-TV operators are not allowed to re-broadcast terrestrial TV.

    PCCW have come up with a fairly ingenious solution to this bizarre problem.  Their new set-top boxes for Now TV have the digital terrestrial channels on the channels below 100, and the Now TV channels from 100-999.  You don’t need to press any buttons to switch between the two functions, so from a user perspective it is totally seamless.  It  uses one only power socket, and only one HDMI connection to your TV.  Everything is available from one remote control.     

    However, this is another problem that could easily be solved in an even simpler way.  If the government allowed Cable TV and Now TV to re-broadcast the free-to-air channels (digital and analogue) no new set-top boxes would be required.

  • Do you have an English version?

    clip_image002This advert was in The Standard last week.  I just wonder how difficult it would have been to have got the first sentence proof read by some who was familiar with the English language. 

    I’m sure HSBC could afford it…